PulpLit.net

Robert Wuhl plays Jehovah in God is My Agent

Things are stirring. Grasshoppers are hopping. The people are restless because – that?s right! – fall is here, and the networks are trotting out their new seasons of shows like the slippery newborn babes that they are. From ?Fastlane?, a re-tread of Miami Vice for the hipster set, to (probably) yet another dose of the (rightly) much-maligned ?American Idol?, you can count on network television to play it safe, cover their asses, and keep the masses opiated.

But we here at Biggerboat have different dreams. We dream of free Krispy Kreme donuts every Thursday, of leaving our humdrum jobs (or unemployment) in search of paid writing gigs, of creating material for the big time. In Hollywood. Without the negative stereotypes or connotations that go with selling out.

So, without further ado, we here at Biggerboat would like to offer the following list of shows that we would like to see, and would, indeed, be willing to write, if anyone would pay us to do so.

Sex in the Medieval City

Our story chronicles the life and times of the medieval scribe Carrie as she sleeps her way around the 14th century city of York, and has various bread-line run ins with her three colorful friends, Katherine, the naive and chaste princess, Charletta, the overworked underpaid milk maiden who dreams of a university education, and Samenthina, the local whore.

The pilot episode explores Carrie’s central question, ?Why is it only always the lepers who are besteth in bed??, while Samenthina sleeps with all five knights of the round table. Charletta?s new love, a dashing Northlander, shows true potential to satisfy her needs both in bed and intellectually until he dies tragically in a joust.

God is My Agent

Murray was having a hard time in the Big Apple as an unemployed actor until he gets the agent who can fix all his problems. Robert Wuhl plays Jehovah, who has come down from heaven to help Murray in his quest to be a star, and provide entertainment for us all.

Some sample dialogue:

Jehovah: Steven, baby! Come on, he?s a shoe in. A shoe in! Look, you know who you?re talking to? I?ve done, good by you, haven?t I Steven baby? What about A.I.? Who do you think made A.I. win big at the box office?

(pause)

Jehovah: What can I offer? The pearly gates, baby! Yeah, that?s right, I?ll put in a good word with Saint Peter- what? You?re Jewish? I?ll cover you at judgement. At judgement! Steven? Hello?

Jehovah closes his cell phone and turns to Murray.

Jehovah: Steven didn?t go for it. But don?t worry. Murray, baby, I?d give my only son for you, you know that.

Murray: Oh, Joe, I trust you. My life is in your hands.

It?s blasphematastic!

The Falsettos

Follow the crazy adventures of four castrated Buddhist monks who?ve given up their vow of silence and non-violent ways to join the Yakuza. Tonikiza is the patriarchal monk, who’s been having issues and starts seeing grief therapist Bob, who he may be developing a crush on. Pilot episode: Tonikiza has disturbing dreams that he can actually have sex, and does so with Bob, whom he then kills to cover having broken his vows from the other three monks.

• ?Deeply, incredibly disturbing,? will rave the New York Times.
• ?A sign of the depravity and oversimplification endemic of our times,? might write the Wall Street Journal.
• ?Finally, a breath of fresh air and non-conformity,? Salon will say.

You won?t want to miss it.

American Idle Writers? Challenge

Three writing judges. One thousand writers. Everyone votes. One wins. Watch, as Foxy Networks holds the largest writing contest ever. Jonathan Franzen, David Edgars, and Paula Abdul will act as judges for the hottest writing contest you’ve ever seen! Each contestant will read aloud ten pages of their un-published novels. Imagine the emotional intensity and raw power! See their tears of agony as they?re ruthlessly edited to pieces! Watch as the cutest and most photogenic gets picked to have their novel published and become a semi-star!

NOTE: Major spoilers from the film Signs below. You’ve been warned!

The Journal of Gorgem, Invader First Class, as recorded in real-time by telepathic input device:

• Day 1: Have been assigned to scouting mission for upcoming raid on the third planet from star #1463. Mission will be to locate suitable landing sites and mark them. Ship will leave promptly. Am pleased with this honor.

  On somewhat more sour note, have been assigned Q’Z'Xzltp as partner. He smells, and has unpronounceable name.

• Day 2: Take-off. Once we have exited homeworld’s orbit, we will enter coldsleep until arrival on 3/#1463.
• Day 1,045: Have arrived on third planet from star #1463. Set scout vessel down in what seems to be some sort of large mossy growth. This fungi will be ideal medium with which to draw landing marker.

  Q’Z'Xzltp has taken to eating the yellow pods on mossy outgrowth. Yellow pods do not break down in fecal matter; waste receptacle keeps getting clogged. Must remember to slay Q’Z'Xzltp before leaving 3/#1463.

• Day 2: Decided to start journal over from landing date. Drew landing marker in mossy outgrowth this morning. Am now beginning investigation of surrounding area. There seems to be a 1463an domicile nearby.

  Update: Fooled around on top of domicile’s roof. Lumpy pink 1463ans responded by running in circles and yelping. Clearly nothing to be concerned about. Am more worried about the 1643ans with fur and sharp teeth. Will try to win their trust with special gourmet food from homeworld.

• Day 3: Gourmet food made furry 1463ans more aggressive. Oh well, not my problem.

  Homeworld contacted us today. Will be arriving within the week. Talked to Brice as well; says Fufu is fine. On side note, am suspicious our conversation was being picked up on 1463an airwaves.

• Day 4: Humiliation! Invasion begins tonight, but I will not be a part. Went out this morning to investigate another nearby domicile. Found place deserted, entered with caution. Searched around, discovered room filled with flattened plant matter bearing images of unclothed female pink 1463ans, as well as some writing. Examined these further – for writing, of course.

  Then – oh, shame! Domicile owner returned and, seeing me, grabbed the nearest object – an open container of clear acid! As I stumbled back, the 1463an somehow closed portal to the room. This insidious device has defied all my attempts at escape. At one point, heard the sound of another pink 1463an. Tried to grab its arm beneath the portal and the blasted thing cut my fingers off! Yet, after this success it still ran off screaming. Have vowed vengeance.

• Day 5:Finally discovered secret to 1463an’s portal, have escaped.

  Invasion is over. Turns out the 1463ans have acid for blood! Returned to original domicile, found Q’Z'Xzltp had left without me! In rage, am going to enter the 1463ans’ domicile and slay all within.

  Update: Am now officially melting. Apparently plant matter is used for a number of objects here, including bludgeons. Between that and acid, attempt at vengeance has been woefully unsuccessful. Will miss Brice…