PulpLit.net

Confessions of a Dangerous Mime

Today?s Blog was originally intended to provide my loyal fans, you know who you are you lovely Bloglodytes, with the shocking Confessions of a Dangerous Mime:
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(Here?s an excerpt)
Ed: So when you finished eating this box of Hostess Powdered Donuts what did you do with all that pesky white powder?
Marcel: (Mimics grasping an envelope, pouring remnants of donut carton in said envelope, grasping pen, jotting down the words Dear Senator Tom Daschle, depositing package at post office, stopping for Mocha Frappacino at Starbucks)
Ed: SHOCKING!!!
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However Marcel quickly followed up with the universal sign for ?Tell this story and I give you a Columbian necktie? (for those of you playing at home ? pantomime your finger slashing across your throat followed by a tongue being pulled through ? tie in Double Windsor if so desired.)

With my journalistic freedom revoked, I decided to give you a glimpse of a commercial treatment I recently wrote. Keep in mind that this is a rough draft. This is an actual submission that I sent along to the Sam Adams Brewing Company. For once I am not joking.

Background: For the last few years, Sam Adams (?sweet, sweet nectar. Arghhh!!!?) has sponsored Project Greenlight (a screenwriting contest promoted by LivePlanet - the company co-founded by Good Will Hunting scribes Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.) As an offshoot to this contest, Sam Adams sponsors a contest to submit a script treatment and shooting script for a potential television commercial for their product line. The winner of the contest gets the opportunity to direct their advertisement for national broadcast. Applicants are encouraged to use humor in their submissions.

The following is my entry. It was not picked, nor have I ever heard anything. I submit it for you to read and let me know what you think. Could I have scribed the next ?chick molasses-wrestling ad?? You be the judge.

Title: Stew?s Brew Money
INT.STEW?S KITCHEN-MORNING
An apartment kitchen. The disheveled appearance of both room and occupant, STEW, signify the den of the bachelor. We find STEW staring at a wall calendar with mounting horror in his eyes. Focus on JUNE 8th with ANNA?S B-DAY circled in red magic marker. Cut to two large Mason Jars. Scrawled on one: STEW?S BEER MONEY. The jar is empty, save for thirty-eight cents. The 2nd jar, STEW?S EMERGENCY FUND is filled to the rim with loose bills. Cut to STEW as he looks at the calendar then focuses on each jar. He contemplates.

INT.LIQUOR STORE-AFTERNOON
A cashier finalizes a purchase. The customer steps away, revealing a rejuvenated STEW. With a six-pack of SAM ADAMS in one hand and a wad of cash in the other, he pays and heads out.

INT.ANNA?s HOUSE-EVENING
A doorbell rings. ANNA, twenty-something, blonde - blue eyes, smiles and heads to the door. Excitement blossoms with each step. She opens the door. Gazing outward, her shear glee quickly doused with disappointment as anger creases her brow. Cut to STEW, goofy smile, reaching out with a six-pack of SAM ADAMS empties. Each bottle a makeshift vase, featuring a bouquet of assorted flowers. The door slams shut. In the background we spy several dug-up flower gardens.

INT. STEW?S KITCHEN-MORNING
STEW returns to the calendar. Focus on AUGUST 19th with LIZ AND JOHN?s WEDDING circled in red.

INT. WEDDING RECEPTION HALL-EVENING
STEW enters the hall solo. He exchanges a few waves and heads for the gift table. Hositing a case of SAM ADAMS (empties) he positions it on the gift table. On the box, below the SAM ADAMS branding he has scrawled in large block letters, RUSTIC REVOLUTIONARY WAR WATER GOBLETS

INT. LIZ AND JOHN?S DINING ROOM ? EVENING
Around a dining room table, LIZ and JOHN and friends sit down before a gourmet meal. The table is set with the finest china and STEW?S RUSTIC REVOLUTIONARY WAR WATER GOBLETS. As LIZ approaches with a water pitcher, STEW signals for a refill. Tipping his refilled RUSTIC REVOLUTIONARY WAR WATER GOBLET to his disgruntled companions, he grins. In the background we see a china cabinet, each shelf sharing space with SAM ADAMS empties.

INT.STEW?S KITCHEN-MORNING
STEW visits the calendar. Focus on NOVEMBER 21st with JANICE DUE circled in red.

INT.HOSPITAL MATERNITY WARD-JANICE?S ROOM-AFTERNOON
A crowd of well-wishers surround JANICE and her new baby. The hospital room is awash in flowers, stuffed animals and balloons. The door opens and all heads turn to see STEW striding in, a giant grin plastered on his face. Smiles turn to frowns as all heads drop to arm level.

INT.NURSERY-EVENING
BABY lies in crib. Soft light bathes the room. He is surrounded by an assortment of stuffed animals. He is transfixed by something above. A coy smile plays at his lips. Cut to BABY?S perspective. A makeshift mobile of SAM ADAMS beer bottles and brightly painted zoo animals spins overhead. A wide smile blooms on BABY?S face.

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And if 6 months from now I tune into the New TNN (?Dang diddily ? What y?all up n? done with ma?h Mama?s Family??) and they cut to a commercial break ? featuring Stew?s Brew ?and? and? those TW-INNNNSSS!!!? ? well, as Blog as my witness, I?ll? ("Hmmm, Is a pantomime of OJ's extracurricular activities crossing the line?")