PulpLit.net

Canada Dry

It?s Friday. I just figured I?d goof around on a few topics. Please take heart that I am just being funny. If anyone finds anything offensive, please realize that these comments do not necessarily represent my true thoughts. Biggerboat.net provides me with a script every week and if I don?t recite verbetoem, they claim to have photos they?ll post of me on Rate My A$$. Back in the 60?s I was brainwashed by one of those wacky U.F.O. cults and brought to Montreal so I can?t be too sure if they?re photos of me or my alien clone ? Gordon Shumway. Anyway, on with the script.

Yesterday, the Boston Red Sox announced a number of new additions to Fenway Park for the upcoming 2003 baseball season. In addition to lining the fabled Green Monster with 2 rows of ?monster seats?, they will also be adding 17 new snack stands to alleviate congestion in the concession lines. Confectionary connessieurs may want to take notice ? new to the 2003 menu are the Frosty Kid Liks. These ice cream delights are shaped in the form of Ted Williams? noggin. Like the ol? standby popsicles, these treats come on a wooden stick ? or in this case ? a ?splendid splinter.?

You may have caught that ad for The Hulk during the SuperBowl which showed what appeared to be a Macy?s Thanksgiving Day parade float tossing a tank clean across the desert. For a brief moment I spied the visage of Nick Nolte (a quick scan of iMDB confirms he is in the cast) and it got me to thinking of a news story on the actor from a month ago. You may have heard of this ? Nolte was busted for DUI in California. Toxicology tests concluded that he was under the influence of ?roofies? (there is a technical term but shear laziness prevents me from Googling Nolte.) The police report stated that Nolte was solo. As you may know, ?roofies? are considered the ?date rape drug.? So, if Nolte had ingested these roofies, what nefarious scheme did he have planned for himself? And is it possible for a body part to file suit against another body part for harrassment? I?m pretty sure Cher?s epidermis would have filed for a cease & desist order long ago. Regardless, CourtTV has got to be chomping at the bit for such sizzling celebrity cases as Nolte Member v. Nolte and Jacko Black v. Jacko White.

Can anyone tell me the appropriate ettiquette when assigning nicknames? I have always been under the impression that nicknames are given to you. If you smell ? then it?s ?Hey Stinky.? If you?re the world?s greatest lover ? we have ?What?s up, Ed?? I have a friend who has fought to buck this trend. A second friend of mine tried to give him the nickname ?G-Mack? (to avoid hurting anyone?s feelings I substitued a fake nickname ? to decode substitute an ?S? for ?G?, ?C? for ?M?, ?R? for ?A?, ?I? for ?C?, ?M? for ?K?.) Anyway, G-Mack shot G-Mack down and offered ?Cuttlefish? as an alternative. He also stated that no one who is a friend of Cuttlefish would ever call him G-Mack and if they did, well then they were no friend of Cuttlefish. Granted Cuttlefish is not the name he offered as an alternative, but I am hoping that through repetition, it will stick. Personally I reject this process of applying in triplicate for the priviledge of handing one a nickname. Afterall, it?s a term of endearment ? you think I want to be seen hanging with G-Mack if I didn?t think a G-Mack was cool to hang with? I didn?t always see the light. Back in Junior High School, some kid caught a midnight showing of Midnight Cowboy and promptly revised my surname from ?Humphries? to ?Hump-for-free.? Had I only embraced it as a badge of honor? Who know?s, I could have married the name with capitalism and come out ?Ed Hump-for-Milk-Money.?

Open letter to Dubya ? If we must annhiliate anyone I offer up an obvious target ? Canada. Sure our northern neighbors (or as I call them: America?s Beanie) as war target has been skewered to death with everyone from Michael Moore to South Park blaming Canada. But I offer two compelling reasons ? 1. They serve no purpose other than to play Hockey. I should know. My father was born in Newfoundland. We English Canadians are considered the ruling class, owing our allegiance to Queen and Country, ?and anyone who bloody well says otherwise is gonna? get a bramble in their bloomers, aye governah!!!? The remaining 99% of Canada is French? We look at them as our servents. They play hockey to entertain us and we arrange for folks like Gerard Depradieu to throw out the first pitch at Skydome. It?s a healthy system but to properly restore the Mother Land back to prominence, the U.S. must declare war on Canada. We already have a large number of sleeper agents installed ? and you can thank the Vietnam draft for that. Oh and #2 is Howie Mandel.